Reeking: Vengeance
by MysteryFan
Summary: Parody of the episode Vengeance. All in good fun.


_A/N: This was written all in good fun, so hopefully it will be taken that way, too. I love Bonanza, but let's face it, some of those plot holes were wider than the Ponderosa itself._

**REEKING** _**(Vengeance)**_

_(Ben, Adam and Joe Cartwright are gathered in the living room, obviously distraught. The air is filled with tension.)_

JOE _(in great anguish)_: What are we doing waiting around here? What are we wasting time for?

BEN_ (dryly)_: We thought we'd hang around until the doctor could tell us whether or not Hoss will live.

JOE _(with youthful impatience)_: It's a waste of time! We should be going after the rotter who did this to MY BROTHER!

ADAM _(sternly)_: Joe, he's my brother too.

_Joe looks blank._

ADAM _(uneasily)_: Joe, you do KNOW that he's my brother too?

_Joe's forehead wrinkles._

ADAM: Since I'M also your brother?

JOE _(brightening)_: Of course I know that Adam.

ADAM _(more forcefully)_: And, since we all share the same father…?

JOE _(perplexed)_: We share the same father? MY PA?

ADAM: Of course we do, Joe, that's why we're - Pa! I thought you were going to have that genetics talk with Joe?

BEN _(wearily)_: God knows I tried, son.

JOE _(even more youthfully impatient)_: Oh, why are we wasting time talking about genetics? We should be going after the fellow who shot MY BROTHER!

BEN: Damn it, Joe, he's also my - oh, never mind.

JOE: Well, you can all stand here doing nothing if you want - I'm going after the creep who shot MY BROTHER! _(He dashes for the door, tears in his eyes)._

BEN: Adam, would you please go after your brother?

ADAM: Pa, I'd kind of like to stick around and find out if my other brother is okay first…

BEN: I know, Adam, but you know how young and impatient your youngest brother is - I need you to stop him from doing something foolish.

ADAM: Pretty tall order, Pa.

BEN _(warningly)_: _ADAM_.

ADAM _(sighing)_: Right, Pa. _(Glancing sadly toward the stairs.)_ Tell my other brother to hang on, okay?

BEN: Of course. Now go after your other other brother.

ADAM _(picking up his gunbelt)_: Pa, are you absolutely sure he's my…?

BEN: Of course I am! Don't you start now! _(Adam nods, heading out the door. Ben gazes wistfully at the pictures on his desk.) _Oh, Marie. Please look out for our son, our little boy. Um…you're really sure he _is_ MY son, aren't you?

_Joe is in the barn, frantically trying to tack Cochise when Adam comes silently up behind him. Joe glances up and sees him._

JOE: Don't try to stop me, Adam! I've got to do this! I've got to avenge MY BROTHER!

ADAM: Then I'll go with you. After all, he's - never mind. I thought you'd be long gone by now, with your youthful impatience.

JOE: I would have been, if it weren't for this stupid bridle!

ADAM _(looking)_: It goes on the other end, Joe. The head.

JOE _(dropping Cochise's tail)_: Oh. Yeah. _(He bridles Cochise.)_ Well, come on, already! Let's ride! I'm full of the hot, youthful blood of vengeance!

ADAM: Or something.

JOE: What's that?

ADAM: Never mind.

_(Joe leaps into the saddle, over estimates and flies over the other side to land on the ground. Adam sighs.)_

ADAM: Is there some reason you can't just use the stirrups like other people?

JOE _(sulkily, and a little dazed)_: They're really high up. And besides, this suits my youthful, impatient personality better.

ADAM: Ah.

JOE _(Scrambling into the saddle)_: Now, come on! Let's avenge my brother! And maybe later you can explain to me again about that genetics and heredity stuff!

ADAM: Never mind, Joe - I'm not convinced there's much to it anyway.

_(They ride out to the bluffs, which prove to be surprisingly close to the ranch house. Red Twilight is seen on the bluffs, watching them, not very well concealed. Adam looks up and sees him - Joe is busy studying the ground for tracks.)_

JOE: Darn that Red Twilight! He sure knows how to cover his tracks!

ADAM: _(squinting up)_ Uh huh.

_(Red Twilight pinwheels his arms wildly to get their attention. Adam hesitates, undecided.)_

ADAM: Joe - you ever think that maybe Red Twilight might WANT us to follow him?

JOE_ (off his horse for a closer look at the tracks)_:What makes you say that?

ADAM _(watching Red who has whipped out a couple of flags and is now doing semaphore)_: I don't know…call it a hunch.

JOE: Well, then he's gonna get his wish, cause I'm going to get him for what he did to MY BROTHER! _(He stands up, looking dejected.)_ Guess the trail's cold.

ADAM _(cagily)_: Does that mean we can go back and find out how Hoss is doing?

JOE: All right! Let's go back and check on MY BROTHER!

ADAM _(giving one more glance at Red, who is watching them in exasperation and disgust):_ You know Joe, sometimes I really wish you'd get a grasp on the fact that Hoss is not just YOUR brother_. (Joe stares at him blankly. Adam sighs.)_ Never mind. Let's go home.

_(The Cartwrights are back at the ranch. Ben embraces his sons in greeting. )_

BEN: Boys, Hoss is doing a little better - Paul thinks he might make it!

ADAM: Thank God! Can we see him?

BEN: Only one at a time. I thought Joe could sit with him first.

ADAM _(grimly)_: Right.

BEN _(apologetically)_: It's just that he's so upset about his brother…

ADAM _(warily)_: Pa…YOU remember that Hoss is MY brother too, don't you?

BEN: Of course, of course - it's just that Joe is so young and impatient…

ADAM _(flatly)_: Ah.

JOE: Thanks, Pa! I can't wait to see Hoss!

BEN _(warningly)_: But remember Joseph - he's still just hanging on by a thread - you have to be very soothing - very careful about what you say.

JOE: Sure, Pa!

_(Joe disappears up the stairs. The camera follows him to Hoss's room, where Hoss lays, nearly comatose. Joe pulls up a chair and sits close to the bed.)_

JOE: Hoss. Hoss, it's me, Joe. _(Hoss does not answer)_ Hoss, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get the guy that did this to you, Hoss. I'm going to get him and kill him dead. _(Hoss's eyelids flicker)_ Even if it means I get shot, too - even if it means I go to an early grave. _(Hoss blinks)_ Even if it means that I die like a dog in burning agony - shot a thousand times and left in a twisted heap for the vultures - I just don't care. The important thing, Hoss, is that I avenge your shooting. That's all that really matters. _(Hoss gives a muffled groan)_ Hey, that's okay - no need to thank me - after all, you're MY BROTHER. _(Joe gets up to leave. Hoss's eyes follow him in alarm and watch as he slips out the window.)_

_(Downstairs, Adam is putting dinner on the table.)_

ADAM: Hey, Pa - after dinner can I take a turn sitting with Hoss?

BEN: Certainly, son. In fact, why don't you go call Joseph for dinner now?

ADAM _(giving a wistful glance at his plate)_ Sure. _(He goes upstairs to Hoss's room. Notices Hoss is agitated.) _What is it Hoss? How are you feeling? Where'd Joe go? _(Hoss manages to gesture toward the window and Adam goes to the window to look out, swears softly.) _Damn. Not that out-the-window trick again. That's what we get for always putting that front window in the room of whoever is sick or hurt. I'd better tell Pa. You hang in there Hoss. _(Adam hurries down the stairs.) _Pa! Joe ran out through the window!

BEN: Oh, God! He must be after Red Twilight! Adam you have to go after him!

ADAM _(glancing hopelessly at the table)_: I don't suppose I could eat first?

BEN: I don't think we dare lose the time! You know how young and impatient -

ADAM _(abruptly)_: All right, all right!

_(Ben watches Adam go. A knock on the door disturbs his thoughts. He opens the door to reveal a young woman in an inappropriately low cut dress.)_

BEN: Hello. Have we met?

WOMAN: No, Mr. Cartwright,. But I was Willie Twilight's girl and I have important information for you - Willie's death was an accident.

BEN _(puzzled)_: But we know that. Hoss just feels guilty because he's that kind of guy.

WOMAN: Oh. Then I guess I must just be a plot device.

BEN: Yes, and kind of a clumsy one.

WOMAN: Perhaps, but surely better than that useless ranch hand outside.

BEN: He comes later.

WOMAN: Whoops. Hope I didn't give anything away. Still, did you know Willie had a bad heart?

BEN: Bad in what way?

WOMAN: Weak. Feeble. He wasn't very nice either as a matter of fact, but I wasn't actually speaking metaphorically in this case. I think he wanted Hoss to push him so that he could die.

BEN _(gasping)_: I'd best go tell Roy! You seem like a perfectly nice total stranger - would you sit with my clinging-to-life-by-a-thread son until one of us can spare a little time to relieve you?

WOMAN: Certainly! But why tell Roy? Have charges been leveled against Hoss?

BEN: Not really - we're just back to that plot device thing again.

WOMAN: Gotcha. Want to show me to your son's room?

_(Ben leads the way to Hoss's room and the strange woman makes herself comfortable by his bed)._

HOSS _(feebly)_: Joe…Joe…

WOMAN: No, Hoss, I'm a girl - but it was an honest mistake.

_(Camera cuts to Joe, who bursts into The International House and accosts the desk clerk.)_

JOE: Where's Red Twilight, that thieving snake who shot MY BROTHER?

DESK CLERK: Thieving? Has he stolen something?

JOE: Not that I know of, but - oh, heck. I don't write this stuff. Not yet, anyway. Where is he?

DESK CLERK _(shuffling through papers)_: Well, let's see…ah, yes, he did say something…_(reading from note) _"If that Joe Cartwright stops by looking for me, don't tell him that I've gone on to Pipesville, seven miles down the road and take a left at the crossing, two miles more to the right, then other side of the pond. Don't tell him I plan to stay at the only hotel, first floor front room. Sincerely, Red Twilight." Hm. I don't know, Joe - sort of sounds like a trap.

JOE: What do I care? I'm feeling especially young and impatient today and he shot MY BROTHER!

ADAM _(from the doorway)_: Hello, Joe.

JOE _(furious)_: Don't try to stop me, Adam!

ADAM: Joe, this is obviously a set up - at least let me go with you.

JOE: Why? Why are you making this your business?

ADAM: Damn it Joe, I keep trying to tell you, Hoss is my - oh, never mind. Maybe I just know I'll never get to eat another meal again if we don't settle this thing once and for all.

JOE: Oh. Okay. Cause I promised Hoss I'd kill Red Twilight - no matter what!

ADAM _(growing pale)_: You - what?

JOE: Promised Hoss. That I'd avenge him against Twilight.

ADAM: Joe - when did you do this?

JOE: Just a little while ago - when I was sitting with him.

ADAM: But Pa told you not to upset him!

JOE _(puzzled by Adam's obvious distress)_: No, he said to be soothing - and I said it in a real soothing voice…

ADAM _(grabbing Joe firmly by the arm)_: Forget Twilight. We have to hurry home - Hoss may need us.

JOE _(whining)_: But Adam -

ADAM _(dragging him)_: I don't wan to hear it Joe - come on!

_(Back at the Ponderosa, a sinister looking Red Twilight stops his horse in front of a hand carrying wood.)_

RED: Hi there.

HAND: Hi there, mister. Mighty red hair you got there.

RED: Thanks. I'm here to see Mr. Cartwright. He around?

HAND: Mr. Cartwright? Nope. None of them around. Except Hoss, of course, and he's pretty much on his deathbed with only a strange woman to protect him. And me of course - got my eyes peeled for some guy named Red.

RED: Thanks. _(shoots hand and dismounts, shaking his head)_ You'd think a spread this big could afford to hire smarter help. _(goes inside the ranch house, is startled by the sound of approaching hooves)_

_(Outside, Adam and Joe pull their horses up - notice the strange buggy and the strange horse and the dead hand)_

ADAM _(sighing and checking over the hand)_: Well, this is inconvenient. At this rate it's going to get as hard for us to hire help as it is for us to find a date.

JOE _(eagerly drawing his pistol)_: That's Red Twilight's horse! I'm going to shoot him, Adam - don't even try to stop me!

ADAM _(warningly)_: Just make sure it's really Red and don't go shooting Hoss or any innocent bystanders! Tell you what - I'll take the door - you go in through that window you're so fond of and protect Hoss.

JOE _(suspiciously)_: How can I be sure I'll get to shoot Red from there?

ADAM _(sighing)_: I'll do my best not to shoot him first. I promise. Now, go on.

_(Adam watches Joe go towards the roof and stealthily approaches the door. Unfortunately, Red Twilight has read ahead in the script and is ready for him and cocks his gun as he enters.)_

RED: I got you covered, Cartwright!

ADAM: Rats. Looks like I keep my promise to Joe anyway. _(Red fires and Adam spins into the wall, collapsing in a heap. Joe suddenly appears from behind Red and jumps on his back.)_

JOE: I've got you, Red Twilight! And now you're going to die for what you did to MY BROTHER! _(glancing at Adam, who is bleeding on the floor)_ Correction - to BOTH my brothers!

RED _(tearing free)_: You gotta catch me, first! _(He runs toward the front door.)_

_(Joe tears after him, leaping over Adam's inert form and rushing out the door in hot pursuit.)_

_(Camera switches to Hoss's room, where Woman still sits with Hoss)_

HOSS: Joe…Joe…

WOMAN _(patiently)_: No, Hoss - I keep telling you - I'm not Joe. It's just the light in here. _(Lifting her head at the sound of the commotion outside.)_ What's that? Sounds like trouble - you wait here! _(She hurries out the door. Hoss immediately tries to rise and follow.)_

_(Woman runs down the stairs and sees Adam lying unconscious and bleeding. She hurries to him and kneels by his side.)_

WOMAN: Adam! Oh, Adam - you're hurt!

ADAM _(trying to sit up dazedly)_: Joe -

WOMAN: No, Adam - really, I'm a woman! What is it with you Cartwright men? Bad eyesight?

ADAM _(trying to rouse himself)_: No, I meant - where's Joe?

WOMAN _(relieved)_: Oh! Well, I'm not sure, but I saw some people running out the door…

ADAM _(struggling to get up)_: I have to go after him…

WOMAN _(alarmed)_: But you're shot!

ADAM _(determined)_: Doesn't matter_…(pauses)_ but thanks for noticing. _(Drags himself to his feet and staggers outside to where Joe is wrestling with Red Twilight) _Joe - Joe, don't do it, Joe…

JOE _(wildly)_: You can't stop me, Adam! Not after what he did to MY BROTHERS!

ADAM: Speaking for myself, Joe, I'd prefer a little medical attention to revenge…but if you have to shoot him, go ahead. You'll be as big a weasel as he is.

JOE _(pausing)_: Ugh. I really hate rodents…ah, what the heck. _(He whacks Red Twilight over the head with a gun instead, just as Hoss comes staggering around the house in a nightshirt.)_

HOSS: Joe..Joe, don't…

JOE: Hey, Hoss! I didn't! Adam talked me out of it! Aren't you proud of me?

HOSS _(gasping with the effort)_: Yeah, Joe - real proud…just wish I'd worn my boots. Dang, there's a lot of pointy things on the ground out here.

_(Ben comes running up with Woman, pushing past Adam and Hoss and nearly toppling them.)_

BEN: Joe! Oh, Joe! What youthful and impatient thing have you done now? Adam, why didn't you stop him? Hoss, what are you doing up?

JOE _(a little smugly)_: Nothing, Pa! Just knocked him out!

BEN _(beaming)_: That's my boy! I knew you wouldn't, Joe! Thank heavens! Now, let's get Hoss back to bed!_ (Ben slips and arm around Hoss on one side and Joe does the same on the other side. They push their way past Adam, who staggers and is steadied by Woman. Adam and Woman take up the rear as they all traipse back to the house.)_

JOE: Wow - I'm really feeling a glow of moral superiority here, Pa! Guess I'm quite a guy!

BEN _(proudly)_: That you are, son.

_(Behind them, Adam suddenly drops into the dirt.)_

WOMAN _(screaming)_: Adam!

_(Ben and Joe turn and run back to Adam. Behind them, Hoss now drops to the ground.)_

BEN _(feeling for Adam's pulse)_: I think he's dead, son._ (He notices Hoss) _Hoss!

_(Woman runs over and feels for Hoss's pulse)_

WOMAN: Mr. Cartwright, I think he's dead, too!

JOE _(enraged)_: I'm going to get that Red Twilight who killed MY BROTHERS!

BEN _(alarmed)_: No, Joe! No!

_(Joe aims his gun at the still form of Red Twilight, then slowly, suspiciously bends down to feel his pulse.)_

JOE: Hey, Pa? I think I hit him too hard. Think he's already dead.

_(Ben and Joe stand together, staring at the corpse, Ben's face blank and Joe's puzzled.)_

JOE: Gosh, Pa - what should I do? Kill him again?

BEN _(heavily)_: I don't really see the point, son.

JOE: Well, I gotta do something, Pa - he killed my brothers.

BEN: I think there's been enough killing for one day, son. Why don't you just help me bury your brothers?

JOE: Well…okay. Just seems like a really lousy end to an episode.

BEN: Maybe you can date the Woman, then. That's always worked before.

JOE _(doubtfully)_: She's kinda old for me, don't you think, Pa?

BEN _(indifferently)_: Never stopped you before, son.

JOE _(cheering up)_: True. And then, of course, she'll die…a triple funeral. Say, Pa - that's a real good ending. Lots of angst and grief.

BEN: Don't forget the ranch hand.

JOE _(laughing)_: Oh, Pa. He's just an extra. Say, Pa - I like this ending so much that when I grow up and become a screenwriter? I'm going to end all my episodes that way.

BEN _(dryly)_: Oh, no, Joe - I think you should be wounded and bleeding, too._ (noticing Joe's rapt expression) _That was a joke!

WOMAN _(backing away)_: No you don't - I'm out of here! I've heard what happens to women around here!

JOE _(disappointed)_: Hey, you can't go! How am I going to have more angst and suffering in my life?

BEN _(patting his shoulder)_: Never mind, son. There'll be another one. There always is.

JOE _(brightening)_: Yeah! And now that my brothers are dead, that means more suffering screen time for me! _(he looks thoughtfully at Ben)_

BEN _(frowning uneasily)_: Why are you looking at me like that?

JOE: Nothing. Just thinking how REALLY angst filled it would be for me if something happened to you…

BEN _(backing up hastily)_: Oh, no you don't! You need me! Who will worry and comfort you if I'm not around? You stay away from me! I get little enough screen time as it is!

_(Ben continues to retreat and Joe advance as the shot fades and the credits roll…)_

_The End?_


End file.
